My ideal night is one spent at Walmart with my best friend. Something about the disheveled hair dye boxes and the abundance of Minecraft boxers just blows us away every time. God forbid we cross paths with the gummy aisle too early because we will crush a box of gushers in a matter of seconds. But we got a lot of problems and they all lead back to red 40; It practically runs through our veins because those fruit roll-ups taste amazing and anyone who says different is lying, but the phrase, “Too good to be true” really applies here. There’s literally no fruit in a fruit roll up, unless corn (syrup) counts. I’m real flesh on the bone, so I need to eat real fruit of the land. Grapes used to be a delicacy and a luxury that only the richest could afford, so I always remember to eat them like Cleopatra. You can’t eat a fruit roll-up like Cleopatra, it’s just not possible. Your only option is eating it like an iPad baby, and no one likes an iPad baby.
When I eat fruit I swear I have some primitive reaction in my brain. I imagine myself as a short naked ape with jewelry made of seashells and lizard bones, and I’m kinda hiding my fruit from the others because I don’t wanna share, (they’re animals).
Bananas are the most popular girl in the universe, she’s winning effortlessly, as they make up 75% of the annual tropical fruit trade. They are cute, yellow, and taste like a circus clown’s soul. Yum! Then we have apples, I can’t help but feel academic when I eat an apple. Its alright, but I will never forget her biggest crime against humanity… The candy apple. I literally just shuddered as I typed that out. It sounds good in theory, but they make you eat it on this stupidly thin stick and then your hand starts cramping and you can’t figure out how to bite into it and your face gets all sticky and it makes you look like an idiot. Genuinely such a disturbing experience, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Pears. The first time I bit into a pear, I cried for all pear-eaters of the world, those poor lost souls. On a lighter note, the cutest fruit trophy goes to… Strawberries! They’re so cute it almost makes you forget how bitter they actually taste. Blueberries are the most inconsistent berries in the galaxy, and that’s what makes them so wonderful, I love to be kept on my toes. Pineapples are fine until your tongue feels like you just licked a rock from Chernobyl. Grapefruits being put on this earth was a direct smite from God. Just because they’re edible doesn’t mean we should eat them. Just awful. What kind of depraved individual eats a grapefruit? I don’t even like to think about it. On the contrary, peaches are very nice, very cute, and very soft too. If I could gather all the world leaders into one room, I would give each of them a peach, a hug, and a fidget spinner. Then I would just sit back watch the magic happen. Last but not least, watermelon. Where do I even start? I owe her my life. The lengths I would go… The peaks I would climb… The bulls I would fight… Just to get a taste of the watermelon.
I have hope for us. I hope that one day the electricity will turn off forever. We would regress back into our Neanderthalic state, where we will eat our fruit, and not wash our hands. As long as I live, this will be my life’s mission. Just sit tight.
