By Kyle Frazier
Round Table editor

Recently a series of books known as the “Twilight series” have grown ever more popular among two main groups of people; middle aged women and teenage girls. I’m not saying there aren’t others, but these are the two most apparent groups.

People say that the reason is because the two lead male roles are obviously irresistible hunks of man meat. This may be true; however, I do not believe this is the main factor, because anyone who was in the right state of mind would see how horrible these actors are.

I have an explanation for the unfortunate state that these women are in. Now, this is just a theory, so don’t flip out on me.

The first group, teenage females, are just at the “Breaking Dawn” of their womanhood. By this I mean that they are, as my father explained it, having all these unfamiliar urges and feelings. My father has a way with words, but what he was basically saying was that these girls have entered puberty.

Though if I had been born a female, there would have been discussion of other aspects of my changing life, which would make for a greatly awkward conversation. This other aspect of change is something that completely messes with a female’s hormones, and also the very feature of a woman that men dread.

A heightening of hormones will increase a female’s sexuality and, thus, the obvious choice for their attraction is males of vampire or werewolf descent. 

Now, the second group is rapidly approaching or is already at the “Twilight,” or downfall, of their hormonal empire. This downfall is the effect of a secret agent we call menopause, but let us call it Mr. M.

Mr. M is a cruel being who makes baby making a thing of the past if he strikes a woman.

Not only does he shut down the baby machine, but he also confuses the woman’s body and releases his hormonal minions upon her, destroying everything in his path whether with anger or seduction.

If these minions live long enough inside of a female, they transform into a creature that is a native of the Americas. This creature is none other than the “Cougar.”

A Cougar is a female being, which feeds on younger men who were born with the genes of a god.

This group of feline females has selected their new piece of meat as the two main characters in the “Twilight” series.

As the phenomenon treks on, I am sure that these irrational fans will just grow in numbers. Hopefully I am wrong.