It’s been so long that the pain should have numbed out by now, but it still slices my heart every time I hear his cell phone ring or his pager beep.

My dad is a kidney specialist and has his own practice in Frederick and Hagerstown. He’s the only doctor for his hundreds of patients which, in simple words, means he doesn’t get weekends off and I don’t see him very often. It’s become second nature but I still silently wish that my dad was around more for me.

Holidays are the toughest because they’re just another reminder that once his cell or pagers goes off, he’ll have to leave and I never know if he’ll be back in one hour or six.

There have been times when I haven’t seen him for a week, not because he’s away on business but because he gets up before I do and gets home after I’m asleep.

I’m still to this day finding out new things about my dad because I really don’t know him all that well. My mom is great, don’t get me wrong, she’s the best mother I could have ever hoped for but it’s tough to be daddy’s little girl when daddy isn’t home.

I feel awful being almost mad at him for not being around, because I know that he can’t help it. I’m proud that he saves lives and makes people better, but I would give anything for just one whole day with my dad: no cell phone, no beeper, no doctor jacket, no patient list, nothing.

Just me and him.

When I was younger I used to tag along with him when he made his rounds at the hospital. I would draw pictures for his patients and sing songs for them just to brighten their day.

Looking back on it, I realize that I hardly spent any time with my dad because he was always with a patient. I don’t make rounds with him anymore because I’ve grown to resent the hospital; it’s the building that took my daddy away from me.

 Okay maybe that was too harsh. I don’t hate it, but I feel that way whenever a nurse calls my dad away from family dinners, college visits, or any family event.

My dad is old and his job is stressful which only seems to add years to his body. I would do anything just to make sure that my dad can see me get married and have at least one child.

 I just want to make sure that I have time to spend with him before his time on this earth is up. I feel jipped by the medical field; I feel like I’ve been deprived of quality time with my father and I want it back.

 I try so hard to do well in school and out of school just to make him smile when he comes home from a long day. I’ve tried to stay young at heart because I know how much of my childhood he missed and I want to show him that I’m still his little girl.

I just want my daddy back, is that really so much to ask?